2020 - The Year of the Cheese

It’s no secret that I love cheese. I don’t mean I ‘like it’. I mean I dream about it and obsess over it like some people obsess about things like their ambitions. Or their kids. Or Chris Hemsworth. This is why cheese will be my central 2020 goal.

I mean, sure, I have some more lofty 2020 goals. I want to finish my manuscript, of course. And I want to learn more about Celtic mythology as I’m writing said manuscript (for the subsequent books in the series, obvs). I wouldn’t mind learning a fourth chord on the ukulele (it would definitely widen my repertoire). I also want to get out of bed at least once without involuntarily moaning and grabbing my hip. The usual stuff.

But I spent waaaay too much time last year worrying about what I ate and my ever-widening middle. This didn’t make me feel any better - it mostly just made me miserable. I could have been hit by a bus or trampled by a cow* at any minute - what if my last meal had been celery and carrot sticks? It doesn’t bear thinking about.

So in 2020, I plan to eat MORE cheese. For my soul, y’now? I think this is a noble quest. If nothing else, I am supporting the cheesemaking industry. The people who walk hand in hand with my favourite people, winemakers, to enrich most of my Saturday nights. In front of the TV. Watching Great British Bake Off repeats.

I know how to live.

Now, I have never met a cheese I didn’t like. The stronger, smellier they get, the more I like it. But I recognise that not everyone is the connoisseur that I am, so below is a handy guide to choose the best cheese for your particular personality/neuroses. It should be noted that I enjoy all the following cheeses (except the last one), and am therefore, probably a horrible person to spend a day with.

Trigger Warning! Vegans and people who own Mimco bags may be offended. Read on at your own risk.

Blue

You’re a sophisticate and a Francophile. You like to read serious books - the more obscure, the more you rave about them. You dress exclusively in black and think television is beneath you. You like to discuss high art and the fact that the bourgeois have ruined the world. You secretly harbour a fear that you are dull, so spend your life compensating for it.

Most people find you pretentious and irritating, but tolerate you as you have expensive wine.

Camembert

You bought everything in your house from the same place, and everything is ‘styled’ for Insta. You believe Mimco is couture. Your social media posts consist of sunrises and shots of you from the back in a g-string bikini. You like to force your partner to take photos with you and caption them ‘Afternoons with this one’.

You’ve only ever been to Bali, but call yourself a Wanderluster.

You live for MAFS.

Goat’s Cheese

You work in advertising or marketing and like to call yourself a ‘creative’, even if you’re in the accounts department. You dress exclusively in skinny jeans and slogan tees. You have a sculpted beard or blunt bangs and a perfect manicure, but you pretend you don’t care about appearances. You earn a lot, but like to talk about fighting ‘the man’.

You are an acquired taste, but surprisingly soft inside.

You love small, fluffy dogs.

Cheddar

You went to the ‘School of Hard Knocks’ and the ‘University of Life’. You think ‘Leftys’ are what is wrong with the world.

You like footy, beer and pies. You call talk back radio hosts and complain about Millennials and useless politicians. You rant on and on about your beliefs, but never have a point.

You wear your underpants until they rip, and sometimes even beyond that.

You’re the reason Christmas with the family is a chore.

Gouda

You like everything to be familiar and not too ‘out there’. You like comfortable clothes and sensible shoes. When you go out for dinner, you always order the chicken parma. Your house is ‘off the plan’.

You have a Golden Retriever called Charlie or Lucy.

You REALLY love toasted sandwiches.

You are quite possibly a small child.

Parmesan

You live for carbs, chocolate and wine. You have at least one cat, but would like several more. If you were around in the middle ages, you probably would have been burnt at the stake as a witch. You love Jane Caro. You want to move to Tuscany and renovate a villa, just like Diane Lane.

You LOVE Outlander and secretly lust after Zach Efron, but wonder if this makes you a pervert. The first thing you do when you get home is take off your bra and put on a dressing gown. You tell people you are a Gryffindor, but let’s be honest, you are really a Hufflepuff.

You are on a first name basis with the team at BWS.

Vegan Cheese

You are a vegan. You like to tell people this, even when they don’t ask. You go to dinner with friends who are not vegan and show them pictures of dead animals while they try to eat their Porterhouse. You wear ‘meat is murder’ t-shirts to family barbecues. Your grandparents cross themselves when they talk about you, as they think you are on drugs. You think vegan cheese is cheese.

Vegan cheese is not cheese.

Just eat vegetables instead.

* Cows trample approximately 22 people a year. This is a legitimate thing to fear.